Mighty oceans I spanned; I arrived in this land
From a Europe sclerotic and drizzly.
I was feeling all spent; to a diner I went,
And the diner was called “Hot’N’Sizzly.”
There, the after-church crowds were commencing to eat,
Their utensils were playing staccato.
So, I slid in my seat, and I sat, feeling beat,
Like a pale out-of-season tomahto.
With her hair frosted white, and her teeth whitened blue,
And her spray tan from here on to there,
She appeared, and she smiled, and she chirped: “How are you?”
And she handed me her bill of fare.
How are you! Who are you! What’s your sweet name, my dear?
And her name tag went whispering: “Sammy…”
Oh, allow me to please hot’n’sizzle you here!
You can moon me all over my hammy!
Oh your teeth, how they beam! Oh your nails, how they gleam!
You played softball at school: oh those shoulders!
Made the varsity team, oh my varsity dream!
Don’t play hardball with my swollen boulders!
You grew up in this town; you threw up on your gown
When your prom buddies got you to drink, and
If I asked you to count U.S. Presidents down,
You’d remember Obama and Lincoln.*
You have stopped at this pit on your glorious quest
To become a dental hygienist;
You’ll be here for two months, you are one of the best,
And your tables are always the cleanest!
She ran her fingers pink through her hair, shiny mink,
With a motion so youthful and fluid,
And she asked me: “Sir, what could I get you to drink?”
You could get me to drink lighter fluid!
Let’s abandon your chores, let us go through those doors
That seductively promise: “Supplies!”
Oh please do take my order, and then I’ll take yours;
Let’s go sloppily French on those fries.
Let us launder your clothes; you’ll be curling your toes
Before long; I can be rather clever!
And she said to me: “Would you like whipped cream on those?”
And with that, she destroyed me forever.
So, I sat there in thrall, hiding under the pall
Of my trench-coat, my mustache, my trilby,
When she asked me politely: “Sir, will that be all?”
Oh, it will be. It will be. It will be.